My First Virgin

I understand that it is a common practice in many cultures--and yes, even in the U.S.--for a father to hire a prostitute for his son's "first" experience.  It is also traditional in some societies around the world for an older woman to introduce a young man into the mysteries and pleasures of sex, and this sometimes includes teaching him to be a good lover to his future partners.  Well, I never exactly imagined myself in this position, but a few nights ago, it did happen.      Most often, when a potential client tells me that "this is my first time," he means in "hiring an escort."  It became clear to me the other night that the young man who had availed himself of my services meant literally HIS FIRST TIME--EVER!!!  So there was a moment when I thought:  "Yikes--I have a whole new job description!," and I was a bit taken aback at first, but it actually went very well, and I feel now that I was an essential part of an important rite of passage for this young man.      Pablo (not his real name, of course) came out to meet me at my car.  He is an extremely affable, sincere, handsome, and somewhat shy man in his late 20s, who for various reasons related to professional responsibilities and due to the repressive culture into which he was born, had just not yet had a sexual encounter with a woman.  I was immediately impressed by his matter-of-fact attitude, his openness, his willingness to learn, and his natural talents in bed.      I loved that Pablo was so very practical, and just decided to hire someone like me himself!  I can definitely understand how a relatively introverted young man from another culture would feel very lost in the American dating scene, with all of its mixed signals and the mine-field of stereotypes, expectations, and assumptions which of course plague us all.  How much more difficult for a genuinely shy, sensitive and sincere young male to try to navigate this tricky course?  I was just in admiration that he decided on a very reasonable solution:  hire an escort for a night of lessons and pleasure, and the most important thing:  To NOT be a virgin anymore!!!      We talked about many things, not just the mechanics of sex itself.  He wanted general advice on dating, and I had to rack my brain and draw on my vast experiences along those lines to think of what to say to him.  Again, I have never been with a virgin (that I know of) in my personal dating life or at work, so it was a bit disorienting at first.  Normally, I am hired to be a companion and playmate for an hour or two for a man who knows what he wants (for the most part).  Sometimes clients are shy or nervous, but they are not usually "newbies" to the whole act itself.      What was really surprising was how difficult it was for me to advise him on how to behave with a new woman he was dating.  There must be so much pressure on a young man, I would guess, to be a "gentleman," and yet to also make all the first moves and to be the aggressor when it comes to getting physical.  I found myself encouraging him over and over again to be himself, to be honest, to communicate, and to ask his date what she enjoys, etc.      Then I had to explain in rather convoluted terms that often a young woman will crave sex as much as a guy, but her mind will tell her that it's "not right," or whatever.  How to describe to a very earnest young man who has hardly ever dated that relationships can be full of "Mixed Messages from Hell"?!!  This was probably the most challenging part of my job that night.  I think the best advice I could give him was to find someone with whom he was comfortable, and with whom he had good communication, and that these two qualities in a relationship could go a long way towards helping to deal with any other difficulties that might arise.              He had done his homework by watching porn and studying up somewhat on the matter of human sexuality in general, and so he was well prepared--and very willing!  He had also practiced with a condom.  It was just so amazing to me how he had it all planned out:  "I am going to prepare myself, and YOU are going to teach me"!  I quickly analyzed in my mind what are the normal "steps" a guy usually takes when he wants to show a woman that he likes her, and that he is interested in becoming intimate.  "Touch her gently on the shoulder, on the leg while you are chatting with her;" "If you are sitting next to her on a bench or in a movie theater, try to hold her hand or put your arm around her shoulder;" "Watch her body language to see if she is receptive," etc., etc.  There really is quite a fairly well set-out sequence of events if you take the time to break it all down.  I think young men are probably running these steps through their heads all the time!      After talking for awhile, we finally went to bed, and I was actually a bit nervous--but not as much as him--he was shaking!  But he has a very good sense of humor, and I am told that I put people at ease, so we got through the slight anxiety.  I thought he was really quite brave, and so down-to-earth about the whole thing.  I had to think about what a guy "usually" does first in bed.  I again reminded him that "everyone is different," and to "ask your partner what she likes," etc.  I taught him how to French kiss, how to touch me all over very sensually--pointing out that this is the way I like to be touched, but that it may very well be somewhat universal to all women in general.  I shared with him the maxim that I heard from a client one time, and that I believe to be true in many ways:  "If you want to make a man feel good, worship his cock; if you want to make a woman feel good, worship her whole body."      Pablo is really quite a good kisser, and has a very sensual touch--especially for a man who has never done either with a woman before!  He was quite eager and willing to kiss and play with my breasts, which he did very well.  It was so funny--I actually found myself being "first time" nervous when it got to the point when he was going to explore my private parts.  I don't know if I was picking up on his anxiety, or if it was my own, based on not knowing how he might react to the whole situation.  Well, he was a champ.  He kissed my vulva right off the bat, and explored the whole area with his tongue and finger.  I think he even succeeded in finding my G-spot!      Then I really started enjoying the fun of it all:  I was INITIATING this young man into one of the most important experiences of his whole life.  I was his teacher, and he was an extremely willing and enthusiastic student.  We also both saw the humor in the whole situation, and were able to be light-hearted about it.  It still makes me chuckle when I think about it--that I didn't know what role I was going to be stepping into that night!  I'm actually glad that I didn't know ahead of time that it was going to be my job to "de-virginize" him, or I might have put unnecessary pressure on myself beforehand.  This is one of the things I love most about this work:  The Adventure of it All.      Being the New Age Escort, of course I perceived the sacred element in this experience for the both of us, and I said a little prayer as he entered me.      I was again impressed by his demeanor once we got to the intercourse.  He is just a naturally talented and sensual lover, and he had some very nice moves on his own without me saying anything.  I have often heard that when a guy has his first time, he usually comes in a matter of seconds.  I was on top at first, and showed him various permutations of the "female superior" position, and why many people think it "superior" to the perennially favorite but perhaps overrated "missionary position."  He actually held off his orgasm very nicely and was a true gentleman.  Then when I got on the bottom, it was all over in a matter of seconds, because we were focusing on him finally, and he was able to relax and let go.      He breathed a metaphorical sigh of relief that he had finally gotten his "first time" behind him.  He was very grateful and thanked me very much, and told me that his next time would be with a real girlfriend.   It was an extremely delightful and life-affirming experience for me, if unexpected, and I am deeply grateful that I could assist him.  I wish there wasn't the age difference between us, because I would like to date him myself!      Just for fun--and partly to "research" this entry--I watched The 40 Year-Old Virgin, which I had recorded previously but hadn't yet watched.  I found it to be a surprisingly sweet, funny, and endearing film, with a rather clear message:  Everyone is on his or her own path, and their sexual "status" really has very little to do with who they are as a person or what kind of lover they might be.  It also reminded me of an article I saw long ago entitled "Why nerdy geeks make the best boyfriends."  The film is perhaps a not-so-subtle reminder to "Not judge a book by its cover," and to give ourselves time to get to know someone before deciding anything about them.  People can surprise us.  I believe that Pablo, just like the character in the movie, will make some woman very happy someday on many different levels.  I wish him all the best!

Sexual Healing

I touched briefly in my first blog entry on how I have found this work to have an unexpected healing dimension to it, and I am not the only one who feels that way. Several of my clients have used this word, and have expressed how their encounters with me have served to improve their lives on many levels, beyond the obvious sexual pleasure of the moment. And the benefits to my own life keep revealing themselves in new and surprising ways, as well.

As stated previously, my clients hire me for a myriad of reasons. I am guessing that approximately 50% of them are married or involved in a serious relationship, and for some reason feel that they need an encounter beyond the confines of that bond. Some travel extensively for a living, and do not have the time or energy to devote to a girlfriend. Some are "between relationships," and just want some intimate companionship without any strings attached.

I have needed to open my mind a great deal regarding the "cheating" element of this job, because it is definitely a big part of it. In my normal dating life, I never would knowingly date a married man or someone who was in a committed relationship, because I wanted to be taken seriously, and not just regarded as a "plaything" or "naughty diversion." I figured that if a guy wanted to get involved with me, he needed to cut ties with anyone else before embarking on that. Also, if he had children in his marriage, I felt that I would be cheating on them, too, as well as his wife. I think in all my adult life, only two guys I dated briefly got away with lying to me about being married.

This issue of having married men as clients was probably one of the biggest moral dilemmas I faced in taking on this work. Some men share with me what's going on in their marriages, and why they feel the need to enlist my services, and some talk very openly about their wives, as if they were just speaking to me as a friend. I am still not very happy about this aspect of the job, but I have gained some peace about it. I don't know if it will sound like a "cop-out," but I have come to accept the notion that if they don't hire me, they will hire someone else, and the cheating will happen anyway. On top of that--and what makes me feel the best about my position, perhaps--is that I am the "Anonymous Woman"--and far better for them to have a dalliance with me than to get involved with an affair or to take on a real mistress.

Several of my clients--both older and younger than me--are in basically sexless marriages, and yet they want to stay with their wives for various reasons. Having a very strong libido myself, they have garnered some sympathy on my part, in that if my husband (if I were happily married) decided he didn't want to have sex anymore, that would be really tough for me. I think it's incredibly unfair and even cruel for a spouse to say to a partner: "Well--I don't want to or can't have sex with you anymore, so that means your sex life is over, too..." I think this is just impractical and unreasonable, on both emotional and physical levels. Certainly after my experiences as an escort, if I were in a devoted relationship, and suddenly lost my drive or interest in physical lovemaking, I would encourage my partner to find someone to fulfill his needs; heck--I'd probably even help him look!

When a spouse cuts a partner off sexually, it makes me think of an analogy: So my tennis partner moves away, does that mean I can never play tennis again? Hell no!!! And sex is a lot more important than tennis! An older client was just telling me how his doctor told him one of my favorite lines: "USE IT OR LOSE IT!!!" Because my client's wife won't have sex with him, the doctor suggests that he masturbate 3 times per week. I am seeing more and more evidence in mainstream media and on-line that regular sexual release, whether with a partner or alone, is beginning to be thought of as a normal part of a healthy lifestyle and physical regimen.

What is so encouraging, especially in this client's case, is that he reports to me that our occasional encounters are actually helping his marriage!!! Perhaps because he feels less frustrated, and therefore less resentful towards his wife, he and she are getting along better these days. He even told me recently that he has hope that the physical intimacy may return to his marriage someday, and that he felt sorry if he couldn't see me any anymore. Hey--no problem! How heartening is it to feel that I could help in such an intractable situation as this? Healing comes in many forms. If he has to let me go, I will just smile and say: "My work here is done!!!"

Several clients have hired me, after long periods without a sex partner, just to make sure that "everything still works." I am glad to say that in most of these cases, the answer was a resounding "Yes!" Some of my older clients have issues with their physical functioning, so in some regards, I do act as a sort of amateur sex therapist. And of course, a number of my clients complain of stress or anxiety, due to a heavy work load or other stressors in their lives. After a good session with me, they often drift off to sleep. When they wake up, I tell them (with a mischeivious grin), "You see, I'm not really an escort--I'm a sleep therapist!

The benefits to my own health and well-being, both physical and emotional, are numerous as well. I do have very good sex with several of my regular clients, and even with some of the random, "one-timers," too. After many years of being in my sexual peak and with no regular partner, this is...um...gratifying! I develop friendships with some of my clients, and we do become a part of each others' routine lives. I very much enjoy the variety of the men I meet, and appreciate the conversations we share and the many different points of view I encounter. Several have helped me out in various ways in my "normal" life. Most are very nice people--gentlemen, to be sure--and I feel blessed to find myself in such a unique position in my life at this time, with so much positive feedback and warm regard coming my way.

This work has also been quite a boost to my self-esteem, which is very much a surprise to me. I will write more on this topic in a future blog entry, but I have to say that, given the stereotypes and cultural attitudes I grew up with regarding this profession, this wonderful side-effect of a positive attitude and emotional lift has been the biggest shock to me, albeit a happy one. I think most women in Western culture question their desirability and their sex appeal. The fact that I receive so much praise and appreciation from my clients regarding my looks and my talents in bed has just been profoundly healing for me, and has increased my confidence level in many other areas of my life. This work came to me at a time when I had basically "given up" on relationships, and was just resigned to this job which might actually damage my self-concept, but I couldn't have been more wrong. I have many more relationships (although somewhat limited in nature, by necessity), and now feel like a "Sex Goddess" at middle age! I still sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming!

Disclosure

I believe that most of my wide circle of family and friends would be understanding and supportive of my current career choice as an escort, but it's still a bit of a "nail-biter" when I tell someone new.  Almost without exception, all of the ones I have told have been happy for me that I have found something that works for me and--um--pays the bills! 

Fakes and Flakes

Some guys seem to have nothing better to do than to "f"-around with the escorts. I have tried to figure out why this is, and how on earth anyone would want to spend the time or waste the energy to do so. I have only experienced a true "fake" appointment a handful of times, but, of course, it is very frustrating and disappointing when it does happen.

The first time it happened may not have actually been a true "fake," just a guy who'd never called a woman like me before, and got cold feet or just changed his mind at the last minute. It was pretty lame the way he did it, though. He was one of my early clients, so of course it impacted me more than it would today. He was an older gentleman, and we talked several times by phone before we met (which is how I screen all of my potential clients, for the most part). He sounded like a really nice guy, and I was looking forward to a positive encounter.

Well, I arrived at his place at the appointed time, and he let me in and gave me a tour of the house, as some clients do. Then he sat down and proceeded to watch TV for about 20 minutes, and I sat nearby, waiting. At about that point, I asked him, "Are we going to retreat to the bedroom sometime soon?," and he said, "Oh--you're not what I expected. I'll have to pass." Ok--that's cool--but did he have to make me sit there for almost half an hour and not tell me what was up?!! I thought it was so ridiculous. It would also be courteous to give an escort something for showing up--even if the client changes his mind--since she held up her end of the bargain. One of my clients once told me that $50 is the customary tip if one declines her services. That seems about right to me, because often it is too late to get another appointment for that evening, I've dressed, driven quite a distance, etc., etc.

In this particular instance, I don't know what the guy's problem was. I generally arrive in regular street clothes, for everyone's sake. I don't know if he was expecting me to show up looking like a floozy, with high-heels and a trench coat and sexy lingerie underneath. That's just not my style, and most clients would not appreciate it. Many ask me to arrive in an unobtrusive manner. Also--I felt no sexual chemistry or energy with this guy whatsoever, so I was actually glad he declined my services; it would have been "hard work." As well: I may not be a beauty queen, but I'm attractive enough for the vast majority of my clients. This guy didn't even "see the goods," so maybe he just freaked out or something. If he thought I wasn't "hot" enough, I would just have to ask him, "Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Let's just say that he was no Romeo himself.

The real "fakes" are the ones who just mess around and pretend to be interested in making an appointment, but were never serious. I encountered a lot of this on Craigslist, when I used to post on their now-defunct adult services section. I really can't say anything good about CL, but that is an issue for another entry. Anyway, even though Backpage is a very similar type of free bulletin-board website, I find the clients to be much better. I could post a (very expensive) ad on CL, and get 70--yes, that's seven zero--responses by text or phone call within 24 hours, and almost none of them would ever work out. I know there's a problem when a potential client asks endless questions, or wants to see multiple photos, etc. It seems like many of these are younger guys who maybe one of their friends "dared" to call an escort, etc.

There are some clients who just have no respect for another person's time. They think it's ok to just "flake-out" without a cancellation call or any such courtesy. In the business, we call this "NC/NS": "No call/No show." Escorts get really low marks for being irresponsible, so I don't know why a client would expect otherwise. Many of the girls have blacklists, as I do, and I'm certain that some of them share this information with the other providers. Luckily, I haven't encountered too many NC/NS in my career, for which I am very grateful. Most clients are gentlemen, and realize that this is how I make my living, and so are polite about keeping appointments or cancelling them when necessary.

I think that some men have religious reasons for getting "an escort off the street that night." Thus, they will make a fake appointment, and refuse her at the door with only a second's glance at her, with the now infamous: "You're not what I expected; I'm afraid I'll have to pass." It's bizarre how they almost always say exactly the same thing when they're pulling this crap. And--thankfully--it's never happened after I've taken off my clothes. I always collect my donation before I undress (usually down to bra and panty), and, well, I have a fairly hot figure, so there's pretty much no way they could say that I'm "not good enough" at that point. I have received texts from religious zealots trying to "save my soul," and get me to "change my ways," etc. I will go back and forth with them for a little while, stating that my soul is just fine, and that I am very happy in my chosen lifestyle. Then I usually finish them off by texting: "I prayed to God for a new career path, and this is what came to me." That usually shuts them up. ;)

There seem to be some people who just want to hurt and humiliate an escort by making a fake date to see her, and then refusing her once she shows up. Two of the most egregious examples come to mind. One guy almost fooled me twice! They get through my screening process by being friendly and talkative on the phone; if someone is going to go to that much trouble to suck me into his little "scam," then there's not much I can do about it. This man in his thirties had me meet him outside his place, and come all the way into his home, then turned on the light, and said, "Naw...I'm not attracted to you. I'll have to pass." It was obviously just a game for him. Months later, he responded to my ad again, and I was just about to fall for it when he gave me his address, and mentioned that he liked "nude-colored pantyhose." That rang a bell for me, and I realized who it was. I texted him that we already had met, and that he had declined, and I believe he texted me back with a little happy face and perhaps the words "Ha ha!" What a great guy!

One of the worst was a guy who seemed to give me even a fake address in which to meet him. We were texting right up until the last minute, and then he just stopped. I went up to the door of his supposed home, and it was all dark inside. So I gave up and left. Then he texted me the next day and gave me some cock-and-bull story about his sister showing up unexpectedly, and that he was going to take her to the airport that night and then would make it all up to me then. So I waited a second night outside the same address, and he called and texted that he was on his way, and then--nothing!!! I was furious, as you might imagine. And yes, I do usually text back and tell them off.

I think the worst one happened last year on Christmas Eve. The potential client and I were chatting on the phone before our appointment, and we were commiserating with each other over the fact that we wouldn't be seeing our respective significant others over the holidays. So, as is often the case, he seemed like the nicest guy in the world. I drove my usual 30-minute commute to his home, but this time it was out in a rural area, and so there was almost no hope of getting another client if something went wrong. I wasn't worried, however; I felt quite confident about this guy. Well, I was very wrong to feel that way. I got to the door, he looked me up and down for about 2 seconds, and then the customary response (need I write it again?!!). Ok--that one really hurt. I was actually bummed-out about an absent love interest, and it was freakin' Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve!!! I don't think anyone can get much lower or colder than that. So I bolstered myself up a bit, drove a very long way back into town, and ended up making-out with my favorite bartender after hours.

I really do believe there may be an element of jealousy and revenge in this type of behavior. As I said, it is rare--most of my clients are wonderfully generous, polite, and kind individuals--so this type of incident is rather shocking by contrast. I may have written in a previous entry that I get payed $200 an hour for what a lot of these guys cannot give away for free. So I think there's some deep resentment there, and so a vindictive quality to this kind of "con game." All I would say is that in most places in the world, and in most times in history (at least for the past 5-10k years, anyway), it has been a HUGE disadvantage to be a female human being on this planet. In other words, to all you mean, game-playing, hurtful "fake clients" out there: Please get a life. Please find something better to do than to rip-off a nice woman who only wants to give you pleasure and get paid in return. This is really bad karma you're creating. Someday, you may be old and ugly and smell funny, and you won't be able to get anyone to come out and "service" you, no matter how much you pay. You've been warned!!!

Professional Lover from a Past Life

I have always been subtly attracted to the concepts of "courtesan" and "geisha" (see Wikipedia for good descriptions of these terms.)  The professional psychic I consult says that I have definitely had past lives in my current profession.  Perhaps that is why it feels so familiar and comfortable--a literal "hand-in-glove" fit.  I have seen visions--were they past-life memories (?)--of myself from time to time over the years in a little French cottage in the woods, waiting for the wealthy man who was my lover to come and visit me.  These images have come to me throughout my life--well before I ever considered engaging in this type of work.  I've always felt like:  "Yes--I could see myself living that way, and I would be happy in that lifestyle."