The Professional Mistress

     ATTENTION ALL WIVES (and I say this to you as a public service): If your husband is NOT getting regular sex from YOU, he is probably getting it from someone like ME--or worse--he is having an AFFAIR with a woman with whom he is emotionally involved. One of my male friends who knows what I do for work told me this joke recently: Two women are seated in the audience of their friends' wedding. As the beautiful couple walks down the aisle, one woman turns to the other and says, "That's the LAST blow job he'll ever get!" This is humorous to me, because I hear the same story over and over again from my clients: "My wife doesn't like to give oral." "I haven't had a BJ in over 20 years." If I could give one--and ONLY one--piece of advice to wives or girlfriends who are concerned that their man might "stray": LEARN TO GIVE REGULAR ORAL PLEASURE to your male partner, even if it's not your favorite activity.
      Some women love to give head from early on in their sexual careers, but I myself did not enjoy it until I was in my thirties. I had a couple of unpleasant experiences with boyfriends in high school which left me with a "bad taste" in my mouth (pun intended). Let's just say that cleanliness of the private parts is not a major priority for teenage boys who are trying to sneak around behind their parents' backs and get their freak on! Thankfully, I had a long-term boyfriend later in life who really enjoyed oral pleasure and who showed me what a turn-on it could be for me to give it, and--most importantly--I could make him take a shower first. Ha!
     Concerning the issue of whether or not men are "getting enough" from their regular partners: Make no mistake--there are certainly many true philanderers out there who have plenty of sex with their wives or girlfriends--but still want "something on the side." Some men even seem to think of it as an entitlement, as in, "Well, I'm a successful, important man...I DESERVE a mistress!" I believe this is a major part of the "hobbyist mentality" which the escorts discuss from time to time on the forums. I have mixed feelings about this part of the job, but I still think it's far better that a man with a steady partner comes to see me rather than seeking out an affair just to get this "extra" sex. Because I want no involvement with him beyond the client/provider relationship, I cause no trouble for him and his significant other.
     Apart from the physical issues inherent in the role of the "other woman for hire," being a mistress is an extremely intimate and unique liasion. Even for an escort like me--who may see a man one time only--there are often feelings and confidences shared which are much like those exchanged between lovers in an ongoing, illicit affair. Someone once said that hairdressers often become de facto confessors and even shrinks for their clients, perhaps because of the physical intimacy involved in cutting and styling someone's hair: They contact a part of the client's body--the hair and head--which normally only loved ones or other family members touch. I have wondered if perhaps this is one of the (probably many) reasons why some clients open up to me about extremely personal issues. There is a kind of "instant intimacy" which occurs when I get naked and jump into bed with a complete stranger. A lot of the normal social barriers are automatically and suddenly shattered in this configuration, and I often find myself opening up to clients, as well. We are engaged in an inherently personal and private activity, so perhaps we feel...What's left to hide? I'm sure the fact that we are somewhat anonymous and may never meet again also makes it easier to "bare our souls" to one another.
      I have discussed the therapeutic element of this work in my previous entry, "Sexual Healing," and I will probably return to this subject again and again. I don't think it can be overstated what an important function we perform as escorts, just by being willing to interact intimately with our clients, the sexual/pleasure dimension notwithstanding. I believe that some men think that this is the only thing they want from us--to "get their rocks off," etc.--but I feel certain that many people in this world are just starving for basic interaction with another human being, including being listended to, touched, and held. Sexual pleasure and release are certainly important, but I feel that perhaps some men contact us for these services, and it is more of an excuse when the real need is to reach out to and connect with another human being. I've had several clients say as much.
     So I am constantly awakening to subtler and deeper dimensions of this work. There is something very special for some of my clients about the privacy afforded by having a "secret friend," even if just for one night. Just as in an ongoing affair wherein the man is married, I often hear all about the wife--both positive and negative--but of course, she never hears about me. There is actually a great deal of trust invested in me as a complete stranger, and I take my role as confidante and confessor quite seriously. I'm not sure where this feeling comes from, but--at least for me--there is a SACRED element inherent in this position of "The Keeper of Secrets." I feel honored that some of my clients entrust me with such private details of their personal lives.
      I recently watched the movie Women In Love, based on D.H. Lawrence's novel of the same name. At one point, the characters discuss how one of the women is totally cut-out to be a wife, and how the other is a "natural mistress." Well, I have been both roles in my life, and at this point, I suppose I am in my "mistress phase." I thoroughly enjoy the freedom to come and go as I please which the escort lifestyle affords me. And as I've previously mentioned, the financial element is truly gratifying, and I don't even work all that much. Surprisingly, I do get many of my needs for physical and emotional intimacy met through the job, and I also have many dear friends who are really the core of my life. So...once again...I'm amazed at the richness and complexity of experience which I find in this work, and how everything in my life leading up to this career has totally prepared me for it. Let the adventure continue!!!

Risen Woman

"Dear Rachel, Thank you many fold times, I enjoyed speaking in person voice to voice, and now I have admired the integrity, authenticity and honesty You express your feelings, thought, and mind, soul. (blogs) Blessings to you for being so loving and nurturing, compassionate and understanding, and expressing so eloquently. Thank you so much. I am really looking forward to meeting you, and sharing the nurturing/ blessing / healing goddess that you have awakened and embodied, realized. Blessings Blessings Blessings" (That was an e-mail from a prospective client, sent after we spoke by phone, and after he had read all of my previous blog entries.)      I have written somewhat in previous chapters of this blog about the enormously gratifying self-esteem "boost" I experience through this job, and it still continues to amaze me to this day.  I am very aware that not all sex workers feel the same, although I wish they could each feel as good about their chosen career path as I do.      The title of this entry, "Risen Woman," of course refers to the concept of a "fallen woman"--a term which may go all the way back to biblical times and before--and indeed is probably still seen as one of the worst categories which can be ascribed to a female, even to this very day.  I choose this twist-on-words, so to speak, to highlight the extreme opposite effect which this supposedly lower-than-low career actually has on me.      We all know that when people want to make a point about how much they "hate their jobs," or are "only doing it for the money," they will often make statements such as "Oh, I'm just prostituting myself," or, "I'm just a whore for the money, " etc.  These comments indicate that the person making them obviously does not believe that a prostitute DOES or actually even COULD enjoy her profession, as if performing sex acts and pleasuring others for pay is inherently and unequivocally a loathsome and disgusting occupation.  I beg to differ, and I also say, "Don't knock it 'till you've tried it!!!"      It seems that these sorts of negative images of prostitution are a symptom of an even deeper illness in our society:  that is, we live in a "sex-negative" culture.  The power of images and innuendo of human sexuality may be used to sell everything from automobiles to laundry soap, but I have always believed that this is because many of us were taught from a young age--either overtly or covertly--that sex is "dirty," and so it becomes a repressed urge, even as it becomes that much stronger.  Madison Avenue plays on this perversion of a normal, human function only to enriches itself.  Unfortunately, this country was founded by a Puritan offshoot of Christianity which was fleeing oppression in its former England.  How ironic is it, then, that repression may be the very first word which comes to mind when we hear the term "puritanical," even though these people were seen as mavericks and revolutionaries in their own time.          I, myself, also had these sorts of stereotypes about prostitution being a "dark, depressing, lowly endeavor" running around in my head when I first embarked on this path.  These began to quickly dissolve when I met my early clients and found them to be for the most part very normal, respectful gentlemen--who also often wanted to please me--as I've mentioned in previous entries.  But I am no fool:  I realize that there is a huge spectrum of work and life conditions related to the whole field of sex-for-money, and that some women in this line of work are indeed taken advantage of, held against their will, abused, etc.  This is why I believe "de-crim"--the decriminalization of sex work--needs to become a reality in the U.S., as it is in so many other parts of the world.  This choice of lifestyle and profession--which can be ideal for many women--could be made so much safer for everyone involved if it wasn't illegal.  More on this in a future blog entry.      There are still moments (even today, after almost 3 1/2 years in the business) when I am rushing off to meet a new client, and some thought goes off in my head such as, "What the hell am I doing?  Why am I in this crazy business, anyway?!!" I tell the thought something like this: "Thank you for sharing--now SHUT UP!!!," and it usually goes away.  If it doesn't, then I resort to the ever-effective, "Don't think about it--just DO IT!!!"  That one works every time to calm my nerves.  Then as so often happens--just like on a recent evening--I had an absolutely fabulous time with a complete stranger, and relaxed into a "I-must-have-gone-to-heaven" mood all the rest of the night.  This is the strange dichotomy of emotions which emerged for me--especially in the early days of this job--and I see this as an outcome of the very deeply-ingrained stereotypes of "sex for money is wrong;" "I should feel bad about doing this," etc.  Thankfully, these episodes of self-doubt happen less and less as time goes on, as I am able to more and more fully integrate this work with the person I am and always have been. I just found an article in an escort chat room, which I will excerpt below.  It is actually written by a man for men who might consider approaching an escort (or any other "professionally beautiful woman," as the author whimsically terms us) in order to date or hook-up.  It is eye-opening for me, as the writer points out the very important ways in which we are quite different from mainstream, "civilian women." "These professional women are just like any other girl you’re likely to meet, except for two major differences: 1. They have no “reputation” to protect. (They have no fears of being labeled as “easy” or condemned as “a slut”.) 2. They know they can generate their security for themselves, so they can afford to date whomever they please, rather than relying on finding a man to support them to guarantee their security." (he continues)"...porn stars, escorts, models, and exotic dancers fall into the category of 'professionally beautiful girls' and tend to have a different attitude: they already have all the validation they need, not only based on their looks, so 'negging' [making negative remarks to the woman] falls on deaf ears, as do banal compliments."  (Italics mine.) The author of this article states something here which has been taking shape in my mind and heart as an unformed entity, and he crystallizes it beautifully:  There is something about this work (if one has a positive attitude towards the job, and is comfortable in it) which can transform the prostitute's view of herself as a sexual being in a very deep and profound way. He goes on to write that women in this industry find themselves outside the usual pressures of sexual politics and economics which most women are subject to.  I notice that I have become much less worried about my attractiveness, and also about "finding a man" to take care of me, etc.  I have all the validation I need, as well as the ability to support myself financially.  I don't have to play games with the male friends and acquaintances in my life, and I don't care what they think of me in sexual terms.  (Fortunately, many of my friends--both male and female--know what I do for a living, and are very supportive.  They also appreciate the funny and often heart-warming stories I tell of the adventures with my clients.) I HAVE noticed a major shift in myself as I watch my friends go through their normal relationship "dramas."  Someone suggested that I might be a bit "jaded;" I disagree.  I feel that I am ABOVE THE FRAY.  It's as if I would say, "Yes--I remember all of those things, and I am just so grateful that, at least for now, I'm not a part of that milieu."  Of course there are escorts who have boyfriends or husbands--but I am coming from a different perspective after having been in this business for several years.  I am no longer emotionally needy.  I am deeply happy within myself--for perhaps the first time in my life--and I believe that all of the wonderful interactions with my clients have greatly contributed to that happiness.  A new confidence has emerged, and that is a major component of a healthy self-esteem. When I first discovered the escort chat rooms, and began reading the comments and stories of the other sex workers, at some point, it just hit me over the head:  "ALL OF THESE LADIES ON HERE...THEY'RE ALL E-M-A-N-C-I-P-A-T-E-D WOMEN!!!"  For those who are independent contractors, like myself--and for those who are reasonably happy in this work--the combination of a great income PLUS the appreciation (and even adoration) of multiple male lovers can have an incredibly empowering, liberating, and uplifting effect on a woman's psyche. The question is often posed, "But would you want your OWN DAUGHTER to do this work?!!"  Well--to be fair, I do not have any children--but there are young women in my extended family who are very dear to me.  But I would have to say, "YES--ARE YOU KIDDING?!!"  In what other profession can a woman work 5 hours a week and make $50k a year?  If I were training a young woman in this work, I would certainly teach her all I know, and advise her to be as safe as possible, giving her the full benefit of my own experience.  There are risks, of course, but I believe them to be manageable. In closing, I would like to say that the impression which has been arising in me for some time now is this:  I believe that EVERY woman--if she has the opportunity--should do this work at some point in her life--even if it's only for a short period--just for the empowering experience of it all.  This statement may be highly controversial, but I actually believe that the expanded perspective and enhanced esteem this profession can engender--if engaged in properly--is completely worth the effort, and can be achieved by no other means.  Many women fantasize about being an "Upscale Call Girl;" I totally understand why now.  Beyond the apparent glamor of being a "professionally beautiful woman," there is an amazing opportunity for personal growth along sexual, self-image, and economic lines. I feel so fortunate that I GET TO LIVE THE FANTASY!!!