"Dear Rachel,
Thank you many fold times,
I enjoyed speaking in person voice to voice,
and now I have admired the integrity, authenticity and honesty
You express your feelings, thought, and mind, soul. (blogs)
Blessings to you for being so loving and nurturing,
compassionate and understanding,
and expressing so eloquently.
Thank you so much.
I am really looking forward to meeting you,
and sharing the nurturing/ blessing / healing
goddess that you have awakened and embodied,
realized.
Blessings
Blessings
Blessings"
(That was an e-mail from a prospective client, sent after we spoke by phone, and after he had read all of my previous blog entries.)
I have written somewhat in previous chapters of this blog about the enormously gratifying self-esteem "boost" I experience through this job, and it still continues to amaze me to this day. I am very aware that not all sex workers feel the same, although I wish they could each feel as good about their chosen career path as I do.
The title of this entry, "Risen Woman," of course refers to the concept of a "fallen woman"--a term which may go all the way back to biblical times and before--and indeed is probably still seen as one of the worst categories which can be ascribed to a female, even to this very day. I choose this twist-on-words, so to speak, to highlight the extreme opposite effect which this supposedly lower-than-low career actually has on me.
We all know that when people want to make a point about how much they "hate their jobs," or are "only doing it for the money," they will often make statements such as "Oh, I'm just prostituting myself," or, "I'm just a whore for the money, " etc. These comments indicate that the person making them obviously does not believe that a prostitute DOES or actually even COULD enjoy her profession, as if performing sex acts and pleasuring others for pay is inherently and unequivocally a loathsome and disgusting occupation. I beg to differ, and I also say, "Don't knock it 'till you've tried it!!!"
It seems that these sorts of negative images of prostitution are a symptom of an even deeper illness in our society: that is, we live in a "sex-negative" culture. The power of images and innuendo of human sexuality may be used to sell everything from automobiles to laundry soap, but I have always believed that this is because many of us were taught from a young age--either overtly or covertly--that sex is "dirty," and so it becomes a repressed urge, even as it becomes that much stronger. Madison Avenue plays on this perversion of a normal, human function only to enriches itself. Unfortunately, this country was founded by a Puritan offshoot of Christianity which was fleeing oppression in its former England. How ironic is it, then, that repression may be the very first word which comes to mind when we hear the term "puritanical," even though these people were seen as mavericks and revolutionaries in their own time.
I, myself, also had these sorts of stereotypes about prostitution being a "dark, depressing, lowly endeavor" running around in my head when I first embarked on this path. These began to quickly dissolve when I met my early clients and found them to be for the most part very normal, respectful gentlemen--who also often wanted to please me--as I've mentioned in previous entries. But I am no fool: I realize that there is a huge spectrum of work and life conditions related to the whole field of sex-for-money, and that some women in this line of work are indeed taken advantage of, held against their will, abused, etc. This is why I believe "de-crim"--the decriminalization of sex work--needs to become a reality in the U.S., as it is in so many other parts of the world. This choice of lifestyle and profession--which can be ideal for many women--could be made so much safer for everyone involved if it wasn't illegal. More on this in a future blog entry.
There are still moments (even today, after almost 3 1/2 years in the business) when I am rushing off to meet a new client, and some thought goes off in my head such as, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I in this crazy business, anyway?!!" I tell the thought something like this: "Thank you for sharing--now SHUT UP!!!," and it usually goes away. If it doesn't, then I resort to the ever-effective, "Don't think about it--just DO IT!!!" That one works every time to calm my nerves. Then as so often happens--just like on a recent evening--I had an absolutely fabulous time with a complete stranger, and relaxed into a "I-must-have-gone-to-heaven" mood all the rest of the night. This is the strange dichotomy of emotions which emerged for me--especially in the early days of this job--and I see this as an outcome of the very deeply-ingrained stereotypes of "sex for money is wrong;" "I should feel bad about doing this," etc. Thankfully, these episodes of self-doubt happen less and less as time goes on, as I am able to more and more fully integrate this work with the person I am and always have been.
I just found an article in an escort chat room, which I will excerpt below. It is actually written by a man for men who might consider approaching an escort (or any other "professionally beautiful woman," as the author whimsically terms us) in order to date or hook-up. It is eye-opening for me, as the writer points out the very important ways in which we are quite different from mainstream, "civilian women."
"These professional women are just like any other girl you’re likely to meet, except for two major differences:
1. They have no “reputation” to protect. (They have no fears of being labeled as “easy” or condemned as “a slut”.)
2. They know they can generate their security for themselves, so they can afford to date whomever they please, rather than relying on finding a man to support them to guarantee their security."
(he continues)"...porn stars, escorts, models, and exotic dancers fall into the category of 'professionally beautiful girls' and tend to have a different attitude: they already have all the validation they need, not only based on their looks, so 'negging' [making negative remarks to the woman] falls on deaf ears, as do banal compliments." (Italics mine.)
The author of this article states something here which has been taking shape in my mind and heart as an unformed entity, and he crystallizes it beautifully: There is something about this work (if one has a positive attitude towards the job, and is comfortable in it) which can transform the prostitute's view of herself as a sexual being in a very deep and profound way.
He goes on to write that women in this industry find themselves outside the usual pressures of sexual politics and economics which most women are subject to. I notice that I have become much less worried about my attractiveness, and also about "finding a man" to take care of me, etc. I have all the validation I need, as well as the ability to support myself financially. I don't have to play games with the male friends and acquaintances in my life, and I don't care what they think of me in sexual terms. (Fortunately, many of my friends--both male and female--know what I do for a living, and are very supportive. They also appreciate the funny and often heart-warming stories I tell of the adventures with my clients.)
I HAVE noticed a major shift in myself as I watch my friends go through their normal relationship "dramas." Someone suggested that I might be a bit "jaded;" I disagree. I feel that I am ABOVE THE FRAY. It's as if I would say, "Yes--I remember all of those things, and I am just so grateful that, at least for now, I'm not a part of that milieu." Of course there are escorts who have boyfriends or husbands--but I am coming from a different perspective after having been in this business for several years. I am no longer emotionally needy. I am deeply happy within myself--for perhaps the first time in my life--and I believe that all of the wonderful interactions with my clients have greatly contributed to that happiness. A new confidence has emerged, and that is a major component of a healthy self-esteem.
When I first discovered the escort chat rooms, and began reading the comments and stories of the other sex workers, at some point, it just hit me over the head: "ALL OF THESE LADIES ON HERE...THEY'RE ALL E-M-A-N-C-I-P-A-T-E-D WOMEN!!!" For those who are independent contractors, like myself--and for those who are reasonably happy in this work--the combination of a great income PLUS the appreciation (and even adoration) of multiple male lovers can have an incredibly empowering, liberating, and uplifting effect on a woman's psyche.
The question is often posed, "But would you want your OWN DAUGHTER to do this work?!!" Well--to be fair, I do not have any children--but there are young women in my extended family who are very dear to me. But I would have to say, "YES--ARE YOU KIDDING?!!" In what other profession can a woman work 5 hours a week and make $50k a year? If I were training a young woman in this work, I would certainly teach her all I know, and advise her to be as safe as possible, giving her the full benefit of my own experience. There are risks, of course, but I believe them to be manageable.
In closing, I would like to say that the impression which has been arising in me for some time now is this: I believe that EVERY woman--if she has the opportunity--should do this work at some point in her life--even if it's only for a short period--just for the empowering experience of it all. This statement may be highly controversial, but I actually believe that the expanded perspective and enhanced esteem this profession can engender--if engaged in properly--is completely worth the effort, and can be achieved by no other means. Many women fantasize about being an "Upscale Call Girl;" I totally understand why now. Beyond the apparent glamor of being a "professionally beautiful woman," there is an amazing opportunity for personal growth along sexual, self-image, and economic lines.
I feel so fortunate that I GET TO LIVE THE FANTASY!!!
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